Doubts.

Turmoil. My spiritual life is in turmoil. After being raised in the Catholic faith for my entire life, I have none of the faith that my family, friends, or acquaintances have. I have doubts about almost every aspect of the pile of dust in which my faith resides. Gone is the love for Christ that once danced in my heart. Gone is the innocence I had as a child. Gone is the time where faith made sense to me. Gone is the certainty of what would happen when I die. Gone is faith security. When did I lose my way?

I suppose that most of my questions begin at God. However, I'd like to warn whoever reads this that the blog is all over the place. Just as my faith is in turmoil, this writing will reproduce that. I wouldn't have it any other way though...So here it goes:

I don't deny that there is a higher power of some sort, but I'm not quick to believe that Christianity is the best or right one. Christians say that God works through the fallen to do his will and transfer his message. If this is true, how do we know which of the fallen are truly from God? We don't, and I think that is essential. In order to truly accept that some people have a divine message, we need to accept that there is truth in the other people who may have beliefs different from our own. This enlightenment within people has to be coming from somewhere, but where that is, of course I am not sure.

I feel as if I know that God exists, but I don't know how I know this. But he/she is not the God that I knew as a child, he/she is more loving and understanding than the "damn you to hell if you don't repent" God I grew up with.

Are we here for God, or is God here for us? How can we be involved in a relationship that we were born into, only to be taught about it by our peers who never get the full truth out. Do we truly know what faith is right when religion is in most cases, geographic? If I was born in the Middle East, wouldn't I be a devout Muslim? Or if I was born in a Native American tribe, would I be worshiping along with the ancient tradition?

I understand the concept of sin. Sin, as I understand it, is when I knowingly do poor moral actions. But how can the ultimate punishment be hell, if these morals are taught with many inconsistencies. Someone may believe that it is not morally sound to kill someone because it is stated within the Ten Commandments. However, others of the same religion may believe that it is morally sound if it is an eye for an eye, because the bible follows this commandment with a long explanation of the exception to the rule. Still others may believe that there is a right to kill if it is in the act of preserving the safety of less threatening individuals. So, what exactly is the right interpretation?

If it is one interpretation over another, then those that believe in the other interpretations would be flawed. They wouldn't believe in the truth that has been deemed as accurate by some, so they would be punished for acting in accordance with the beliefs that they were raised in. This is just one belief in religion that is collective with millions of other beliefs. So, if this one point is open to interpretation, then who holds the entire or even the majority of truth. Besides God himself, who has the right to judge what is right and what is wrong? Not a priest, a rabbi, a pastor, a pope, or any religious leader. Why can't we remember that we should not judge those who we do not agree with, but allow God to do the judging?

I understand that God has a plan for each of his children and we all have no clue what that may be. But, why is there all of this discord between and within the religions of the world? How can we say that some are correct and others do not believe in the right religion? Who is the true judge of what the right religion is? Is it the holy leaders, the history scholars, the theologians? Have all of the true judges been absent for more than a millennium? Shouldn't the only one to judge who is right and wrong, be the one who has the truth? That is, the divine?

According to the Christian teaching, Christ and God's love is unconditional. Nothing you can do can make them love you less. Following this example may be a goal that we share. I don't want to just like or love someone or see the good in someone when they are being pleasant to me. I want to see the good in them when their loyalties to me are nonexistent and they are cursing me out and stabbing me in the back. I just want to love. I want to be able to keep my peace of mind and always see the best in people without and restrictions on that love. I don't want my feelings for people to be dependent on how I perceive they are treating me. More often than not, my perceptions of how people are treating me, if negative, are far exaggerated from what was actually intended.

However, I feel that a lot of religions seek to control, to will their followers into following a set moral code. I really wish that people could just live and be nice to people, not because they are going to get in trouble or pay an ultimate consequence. But because it is the right thing to do, the right way to treat people. As you may be able to tell, I am having problems believing in many parts of any type of religion. I want to believe in faith as a whole, but I'm afraid I don't know how. I'm losing, but I haven't lost it all yet.

I want the readers to know, I say none of this attacking your belief system or any others personally. I just feel that I have so many questions, that I can't fathom abandoning all this rational reason, without some sort of explanation. I've reached for answers before, only to be let down. I'm not going to lie and say I'm not dead scared of what will happen once my time is up.

I will close with a question that may have started it all:

If we are supposed to live as God lives, wasn't he setting us up for failure because no one is perfect? I understand that people say you must get close, but how do you know when you are close enough?

Veering Left

I wrote this starting as advice given to a good friend of mine. But then I reread it and found that it applies to more situations that maybe I meant it to. So I've altered it slightly, but this came out pretty fast. It is both broad and specific in areas, maybe it will apply to your life, maybe it won't. But if it reaches one person, I suppose then it serves its purpose. Hope it is a good intro to a new start of writing frequently in this blog:

It sounds like you feel as if you have no handle on what is going on in your life. However, you are analyzing your life and how you fit within it by making arguments both ways, and it truly seems like you have a better handle on this then most do.

You are feeling both content and discontent. Stable and Instable. Satisfied and undoubtedly craving more. In other words, you are getting an influx of contrasting emotions, which I suppose is part of the human experience. But just remember, that even with all of this confusion that you are feeling, you have to know that you need both sides of the issue to really appreciate how you feel on the issue. You need the sour if you ever are going to truly appreciate the sweet.

It seems like people often come out and state things in order to make things clear to themselves, as well as to you. It may seem like they have a better handle on what they feel, but you never know what the truth is for either party involved, until people are truly honest with each other. And as Billy Joel says, "Honesty is such a lonely word, everyone is so untrue." Although he states this, it is actually a matter of observation, which is actually really depressing. Why has being honest grown vintage. Why are lies often more preferable to the truth? Why can't we just tell the truth, no matter the cost? The cost is never as draining or hurtful as we usually expect it to be. And in the end, we feel better when we are completely honest with our feelings, rather than covering it up with white lies.

This is a sideline, but what is a white lie anyway? What distinguishes it from a black lie? Is there certain criteria that a lie has to meet in order to be labeled with a color? And don't white lies always lead to more lies? Again, honesty, but I digress.

You never know what is going on in the minds of others, but chances are if you are confused, your confusion is not unwarranted. Confusion breeds from confusion. You never will truly know why people act the way they do, and then again, you may never truly want to know. But we will see where and how this develops. So for now all you can really do is just vibe. just cherish the fact that you do have confusion. But do not dwell upon it. Worrying will get you nowhere in the end. Thinking helps, but only to a certain extent. You never know if you will remain friends for now, in order to build a foundation for a stronger friendship or something beyond in the future.

The future is relative, it really isn't that far away. Perhaps life is always a bit confusing, but you can't tear your hair out over it. You have every right to want as much from people as they are taking from you in ways that they may or may not realize. We always want reciprocity. Don't beat yourself up over desiring one of the main drives that we all experience. No one likes to feel slighted. No one wants to love anyone more than they love them. But our minds convince us that this happens quite a bit more often than it actually does.

Just breathe. Just let it be.

Don't worry about a thing, because everything is going to be alright and will work out in the end.

Just breathe.

Living High, Living Mighty, Living Righteously.

As I've been shoveling and walking outside in this winter weather that I have grown accustomed to over the past few weeks, I noticed something. It's nothing enlightening, or deep. Just the fact that when you find a patch of ice in your path, and you catch yourself from a complete wipe out, your body does a little dance.

The next time you see someone slip, although it is always quick and often times funny, try and watch their dance. We will do anything to stop ourselves from falling, just as a result of instinctive reflexes. But when you slow the corrective movements, you will see what I mean. The feet go in all different directions, the hands flail around, the hips rotate, and the neck moves from side to side. Everyone has a different dance, no two people have the same reaction and reflex time. It is something very specific and unique to each person, based upon past environmental experiences as well as inherent biological factors. I've come to realize that ice is one of life's little reminders of the importance of dancing, and on a larger scale, soul expression.

Let me ask you this: How often do you take a step back from your daily routines, the busyness that we allow ourselves to succumb to; to do something that will further the nurturing of your soul? I do not claim to be an expert on the topic of nurturing the soul, but from personal experience I find that I do little things each day to help me find my focus or clarity, I am in a better mood and the lenses that I view the world through tend to fall away to a certain degree.

The little things that nurture the soul are specific and unique to each person. They include anything from simple repetitive tasks (doing the dishes, washing windows, sewing, etc), to artistic expression (drawing, playing music, painting, dancing, scrap booking, singing, etc), to things that further your connection with yourself as well as faith of some sort, (praying, meditation, reading), and anything else that helps you relax and get in touch with your self and those who surround you everyday.

When was the last time you did things like this, to just let yourself be and free yourself from the manacles that tend to bind you to your responsibilities and the daily stresses that are often a result of our own thoughts. When was the last time you took a good, deep, refreshing breath? We breath all day, and it is usually unconscious unless you focus on it. But have you ever noticed how good one deep breath into your lungs feels? Once you realize it, you tend to continue breathing deeply and find how relaxed it can make you. When I take the time to breath deeply and meditate, it allows me to come to terms with what things have taken priority over others, and whether or not they should have. It allows me to break away from the self-centered way of thinking that our society today preaches. It furthers the connection I have with people and allows me to be empathetic instead of apathetic, selfless rather than selfish.

I don't do this as often as I should. I wish I did it often enough to make it a habitual, daily (but not routine) practice. If everyone took time out to consider why people act the way they do, what could be motivating them, or what could be troubling them, then what a far cry the world would be from the one we live in today. In other words, if everyone cared for the gifts that are received when interacting with other people and by realizing the importance of recognizing the emotions that are beyond our own selves, perhaps we could get closer to peace and further from strife and conflict.

We pour all of our money, time, and efforts into furthering our outer appearances, our social status, and basically just trying to fit into the prescribed way of life that society tells us that we need to fit in. Instead of focusing on the important things that will further us on our individual journeys, we tend to fall into distorted lives that are not truly reflective of who we actually are. Be true to yourself and your feelings or you will burn yourself out trying to complete the simplest tasks of living. Once you are burned out, it is harder to get the spark that will light you up again and it will leave your soul extinguished for when more difficult tasks present themselves.

The only one who can care for your soul and be aware when things go awry is yourself. So try your best to be yourself. That is all that anyone can ask of you. Those who accept the true you are the ones you truly need and those that don't aren't worth bothering with.

Peace. Love. Hope. Faith.

You Never Know

Seize the day, put no trust in tomorrow.

- Horace

I was surfing the Internet a few weeks ago and I found this quote. It immediately struck a chord with me so I copied it down. It is not an entirely original phrase, because when it is boiled down to the raw ideas that motivate the phrase, it tells us of the sacredness as well as the briefness of life itself. I believe that this idea has been floating around since life itself started, and the reality set in of how limited of a time we have on this earth.

This past year has been quite an eyeopening time for me, as I have started to practice introspection quite a bit. I have learned so much about myself and discovered areas of my personality and self that I never brought to light before. From this I have found that I have been pretty careless with my time in the past 19 years of life. I have spent a lot of time being anxious, being sad, taking foolish risks that could have had a detrimental effect on my health. I basically took every day as if it was owed to me and if I wanted to waste it away being sad and angry at the world, so be it. This realization has hit me hard again and again, like running at a wall and getting up and hitting it head on again. As I have come to realize that I continually fall into the same pattern, I do feel that this realization has allowed me to try and veer from the pattern slightly, bit by bit.

So thoughts have been running crazy through my head since I have realized that I have been living in a habituated pattern of anguish and sadness for many of my days. I have begun to turn my life around, trying to live more freely from the self-induced confines that I have put myself under. So the point of my writing is to establish a written record of the beginning of a new phase in my life. Hopefully I can stick with it. I believe I can, because if I falter I know that I have a strong support system of people who will encourage me to keep at it. And for that, I am thankful.

Everyday should be a good day to die. Every minute should be spent sparingly, never taken for granted. Live in the moment because the present is the only thing that is really certain. The future is relative. Today is yesterday's tomorrow, yesterday's future. If you spend your time planning or worrying about the future, you miss what is happening now. This very second. Not to say that planning or worrying don't have their place, but when they overtake your life to the degree that you lose your days, you need to take a step back and try to reevaluate.

If you died at the end of the year, the month, tomorrow or in the next breath, would you have regrets about how you lived your life? I'm trying to live without too many regrets, worrying about worthless things. I need to let the chips fall where they may, leave the myth of perfection alone, and see it for what it is, an unattainable, yet unwanted goal. I should let my imperfections and mistakes that I make, not define me, but help build me into a better person.

Strive for peace of mind, body, and soul because you never know...